Diner Chaos
by muaaimoi
Summary: Au. Penny headed to New York instead of California and Sheldon's barber falls ill a few years early. They both end up working in Hans Diner. Shenny and Maxoline, because I must have them both.
1. Chapter 1

Penny, pacing in a crappy motel room, is starting to hate New York. She'd been working two jobs, living in a crap apartment with two other roommates and barely making ends meet. Then her stupid pothead roommate had dropped a cherry bomb in the toilet and gotten them evicted. She'd also gotten fired from her waitressing gig that day because she hadn't managed to make it to work since her toilet had exploded and she'd had to move.

Now she's living in a motel and missing the nice regular sized roaches from her old apartment. The ones in the motel are huge, the kind that audibly crackle when you squished them, she threw up in her mouth a little last time she killed one. And the kicker is that of course her boss from the boutique she'd worked for had decided to lay her off as well.

It makes her want to give up. She had so many dreams when she moved to New York City. Such a strong drive to make something of herself. But it's like the universe is working against her, and she can only take so many beatings before she throws in the towel. Feeling caged by the claustrophobic walls of the room, Penny decides to take a walk.

It's a remarkably stupid thing to do at night, particularly as a woman, in Brooklyn especially. But Penny is feeling pretty stupid for moving somewhere as expensive and dangerous as New York in the first place, so what's one more dumb thing on top of that?

x

Max stares at Han like he just declared himself King Dork of the Nerds. Considering Han had just told them all he had been talking to someone on Myspace, the shoe fucking fits. Who on earth still uses Myspace? She had always known nothing good could come of Hans 'hip and cool' obsession. The flash mob had been a blatant warning sign, but she sure as hell hadn't seen the whole 'swapping lives' thing coming. So now they have to wait around for their soon to be new 'manager'.

Han planned to train him for a few days, and then go move into the dudes place in California. The guy's like a professor or something and all Han has to do is play tapes of the lectures and hand out tests. It's practically a vacation. The lucky bastard. The professor dude, Sheldon, who considering the fact that his parents had named him Sheldon, was probably used to getting the raw end of the deal, would realize how much running a diner actually sucked, and take his anger out on them eventually.

"This is a terrible idea." Caroline announces, because she is sensible at heart. The rest of them nod. Han, as he usually does when faced with common sense, ignores them all.

"Worse than the Karaoke machine." Earl adds, with the vague horror of a well suppressed memory.

Max shudders,"How long do we have to wait around for this guy anyway?"

Han looks at his watch,"He should have been here already. I hope he's alright, he didn't strike me as someone who would be late."

"How long will you be gone?" Oleg asks. He is no doubt looking forward to slacking off twice as much as before. Max had admittedly entertained a similar fantasy before realizing that it wasn't physically possible.

"Six months!" Han says enthusiastically, like they aren't staring at him like they're living a horror movie and Han is the killer psycho clown. Granted it's not exactly a new look when it comes to Han, but she would feel better if it looked like it had at least phased him.

"This is a terrible idea," Max says, because it bears repeating.

x

Sheldon wished he had stayed in California. He was trying to embrace the chaotic nature of the world. He really, truly was. But it would be impossible to do so if he was dead. Considering the fact that he was currently being mugged, and he had left his wallet in his hotel room, the end of his life was possibly close at hand.

"I told you to give me your wallet!" The rough voice of his assailant hissed behind him. Weapon digging insistently into his back. It didn't feel like any firearm he was familiar with, but he had been exposed to more riffles than handguns, which were infinitely more suited to assaulting innocent civilians in city streets.

"I assure you if I had it I would have handed it over the first time you asked." Sheldon insisted.

"Take off your pants," his assailant ordered.

"Wha-" Sheldon began, certain he'd misheard.

He was promptly cut off, "I said take off your pants or I'll blow your fucking head off!"

Hands flying towards his belt buckle Sheldon removed his pants as quickly as he could.

"Hey!" A voice called from behind them, spooking his attacker and sending them scurrying away.

"Oh my god, are you alright?" The voice asks, and he turns to see a blonde woman wringing her hands, "Did he hurt you?"

"Considering that I realized he was threatening me with a cellphone instead of a gun when he ran away with my pants? I suppose I'm just fine." Chaos was very frightening, having made the choice to embrace it had worked wonders on his nerves. It didn't keep his knees from going weak at the sheer relief of not having been in any true danger, however.

His savior laughs, a loud, nearly hysterical sounding fit of giggles. He watches her amusement, bemused. Weren't good Samaritans supposed to care for the plights of others, instead of finding them amusing?

"I'm Penny," She says, offering her hand and attempting to smother the last of her hilarity. "Sorry, I just-I needed that."

Sheldon shook her hand," I am Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and I need pants."

His words set Penny giggling anew.

"Sorry, sorry. I think I can help you with that."

**x**

**So I think we all knew it was only a matter of time? Um-mega props to mjhammer for sparking this, helping me brainstorm ideas, and playing beta. Hat's off my friend.**


	2. Chapter 2

Caroline hates wasting time. Hates standing around waiting for a new boss that she doesn't want when she can be doing something productive instead. By the time a tall blue eyed guy walks in holding up a pair of sweats that are clearly too large on him she wants to hit something.

Everyone," Han calls, "this is my friend, Sheldon Cooper. He is going to be manager while I am gone."

Why were you so late?" Caroline asks impatiently, before the guy can say anything.

I got mugged on my way here," Sheldon says. "They took my pants. I was saved by a woman who offered me her ex-boyfriend's sweats."

Max smirks, "Welcome to Brooklyn. Enjoy your stay."

Max!" Han chastises, like Max would ever listen, and introduces them. Luis is giving him the same hungry look he usually gives Olaf, and Caroline has to bite back her giggle. If nothing else working at the diner has proved surprisingly entertaining.

So why do you want to run the Diner?" She asks, cutting to the chase. He is a college professor after all, and presumably intelligent. Why someone take such a huge step down financially is beyond her. Is he one of those quirky quacks that does not understand the importance of money?

Sheldon's smiles in a manner that is quite clearly strained, "I am attempting to embrace the chaotic nature of the world. A drastic change in routine seemed like a good step in that direction."

Definitely a quirky quack Caroline decides, although it doesn't seem to phase Luis much. But then-neither had the fact that Oleg was straight.

It's such a shame tomorrow's my last day." Luis says, giving Sheldon bedroom eyes. "I think I could really help with that."

Ah yes." Sheldon says, turning to Han."You mentioned we would have to hire a new day-waiter before you left. If I may make a suggestion. The woman who saved me is staying in a motel room, which is a good indication that she's new in town and in need of work. Would you mind if I extended the offer of employment?"

Does she have any waitressing experience?" Han asks, because he's a total pushover.

I can ask." Sheldon offers.

You know she might already have a job lined up." Caroline interjects, being the born opportunist she is. "Why don't you bring her some muffins. We have a really great selection at our cupcake window."

x

Penny feels so much better after she rescues the guy. It's partly that she feels like a hero, partly that she can't remember the last time she laughed so hard. And the betrayed look the guy gave her every time she giggled had just made it harder to stop.

It doesn't make her motel room suck any less, or the knowledge that she's quickly running out of cash any less pressing. But now it doesn't feel so final. She could always try LA. And hell, she heard some places in Canada were pretty good for actresses as well. She's going to make it. Come hell or high water. So she goes online and and tries to find some places to hit up for work bright and early. She's pretty and friendly, she's totally going to find something. So she sets her alarm, gets ready for bed, and drifts off to thoughts of paid bills and roommates who wouldn't cost her her deposit.

When someone comes knocking at her door bright and early, she's actually awake, and mostly dressed.

When she opens the door the first thing she sees is a basket of muffins. There's even a thank you note with her name on it. She's laughs, delighted. It's the guy from last night. Her mood, having been taking a downturn at the prospect of spending the day job hunting does a complete one eighty.

The fantastic way the muffins smell really help.

Good morning Penny." Sheldon says, holding out the basket. "These are for you. I couldn't decide what type would be the most appropriate to show gratitude so I purchased one of each."

Aw, sweetie, you didn't have to!" She says, even as she mentally deducts from her food expenses from her budget for at least a week. It's a big basket. "But thank you!"

I have also come with a job offer. Tell me, do you have any waitressing experience?"

Penny can't quite believe her luck, "I do!"

Excellent, I've managed to get you an interview in a diner."

By the time Sheldon leaves Penny feels her luck has finally turned around. She turns on her laptop and searches a few auditions she can try for after the job interview. If life as a New Yorker has taught her anything, it's that you should always push your luck while it's there to be pushed.

**x**

**Thanks to mjhammer for playing beta!**


End file.
